If I could be anyone
by WitchMagpie
Summary: Sitting alone on the roof, Kyo ponders what it would be like if he could be any of the juuneshi and decides of them all, he admires Haru mostoneshot Please R&R!


_**AN** I know my fiction writing skills are rusty, so I am trying lots of different styles of stories to get my mental muscles back in tip-top shape. It's been thirteen years since I last wrote something other than non-fiction and research papers and I can really see the deterioration in my skills!!!!! _

_I noticed that my characters thus far had lacked the depth and vibrancy I saw in other stories on so I wrote this one-shot as an exercise in writing a character with more of his personality shining through. I like to try to get inside the character's heads and figure out how they really feel about the other characters and what motivates them to act as they do in the original stories instead of coming up with my own plot lines. I am hoping as my confidence in my writing skills grows, I will have the courage to try out some original material rather than just retelling Fruits Basket in my own words._

_In regards to this story, I thought it might be fun to crawl inside Kyo's head and imagine what is really going on behind that tough-guy exterior. I see him as actually being a pretty sensitive sweet guy who feels inadequate because of all the grief he's been put through because he's the cat. I could easily imagine him envying Haru's easy manner. Please review! Let me know what I can do better next time, or what you thought of this tale. **I do not own Fruits Basket**_

If I could be anyone, anyone at all, I always thought I would like to be Hatsuharu. I don't think Haru knows just how lucky he really is. I mean sure, he's attractive…what Sohma isn't? Even with my stupid orange hair, I still have a gaggle of crazy girls following me around at school; "Prince" Yuki isn't the only Sohma with a fan club. But Haru, he has certain qualities that I really admire…and envy, although I'll never admit that to his smart-ass face!

For one thing, the man has a sense of equilibrium that few can unbalance. I don't know how many times I have gone off half-cocked and shouting at him, and he disarms me with a single, well spoken sentence of understanding. His capacity for empathy really is remarkable to behold. As are his powers of observation; what appears to be just a casual glance to me is rife with context and meaning to Haru. No one's secrets are safe with Haru present! Sometimes he reminds me of Tohru's creepy denpa friend Saki Hanajima with the way he seems to know exactly what I am thinking! And not only is he perceptive, but he is compassionate as well. Of all the juuneshi, Haru alone seems to have the ability to understand how the rest of us are really feeling and imagine himself in our shoes.

And he's really not a bad fighter either. I was surprised by how much better his technique had gotten when we fought last spring on the day of the endurance run. Of course he had gone "Black Haru" on me, and I suspect that gave him an added edge of adrenaline that he wouldn't have had otherwise. If that damn Yuki hadn't gone all wussy-girl sick on us and interrupted the fight, Haru may have proven to be a real challenge for me!

His way with words has always been a source of envy for me too. Although I don't always want to sound like some sort of cornball romance novel character in one of Shigure's smutty books the way Haru does, I do wish I had his easy manner of relating to others; especially Tohru. I tend to get all tongue-tied and stupid with her around. I can't believe the idiotic shit that comes out of my mouth sometimes. Haru seems to be able to speak easily with anyone; he doesn't always make sense, but at least he doesn't walk around with his foot shoved clear down his throat the way I do.

Of course I don't envy Haru his choice of girlfriends; Rin is beautiful, but I imagine cuddling up to her would be like hugging a cactus! She's so prickly and always ready to bite your head off if you even look at her funny. Sometimes I swear she makes Akito look nice in comparison! I'd be afraid to try to kiss her; she might bite off my tongue! And yet when she and Haru are together, she seems to mellow out some. It's not like she becomes all sweetness and light, but at least I don't feel like I need to keep a large piece of furniture between her and me for protection! I suspect Haru is good for her, although I question whether she's good for him judging by the clothes she buys for him. He looks like a cross between a vampire super-model and a gay biker!

In spite of his taste in women, I think Haru has a pretty good life for one of the juuneshi. Unlike most of the Sohma parental units, Haru's parents seem to be in acceptance of their son's curse. Not that anyone would be thrilled to have their newborn son turn into a calf the first time they tried to nurse him. I hope his mother was sitting down and had other people around to help her out when her seven pound baby transformed suddenly turned into a 75 pound bawling calf! But they seem like they have really made an effort to keep his home life as normal as it could be for a cursed Sohma child, and their efforts have paid off; Haru has less of a complex about being one of the juuneshi than the rest of us do.

I know, I know…he did struggle with the whole "dumb ox being manipulated by the rat" thing for a while when he was younger; but unlike the rest of us, when his belief that he had been tricked by the rat was confronted by Yuki, he was able to look at the situation and decide he that it really didn't apply to him. He even became Yuki's close friend afterwards with no hard feelings. In many ways, Haru chooses his own path and doesn't let himself be completely dominated by the details of the Juuneshi curse. Sometimes I wish I could have the maturity and the mellow nature of Haru, and let this stupid, ancient feud with Yuki go by the wayside.

Now I won't admit this to the rest of them, and certainly not to that damn rat, but I really admire his ability to just let go of all that built up anger with no lingering issues. I can't even imagine being able to just suddenly let all my anger go and have it be as though it was never there to begin with. Sometimes I just get so tired of all the rage. It takes a lot of energy to maintain this tightly wound, furious state on a daily basis; sometimes I imagine what it would feel like to just be able to relax and be happy for once.

Sometimes I wonder if I could only relax, could I be that pillar of strength and security for Tohru that Haru is for Rin? I worry that in all my anger and rage, I may hurt her again the way I did that first day I saw her at Shigure's house. Even if I don't cause her physical pain, I know my fighting with stupid Yuki distresses her. I know that if I could be more like Haru, I could be that safe harbor for Tohru, that in me she could finally find a place where she belongs and not be the onigiri looking on wistfully as all the fruits gather together. I could make her feel safe and loved.

I guess it's stupid for me to want to be someone other than who I am; this is the form and personality I am stuck with, for better or for worse. And I'm sure Haru has his challenges that he faces daily too. He doesn't share much, but I know something had to provoke that shift in him that became "Black Haru."

Even though I can never be like Haru, maybe I can find a way to live by his example. I don't think I can be kinder to everyone, but maybe, just maybe, I could for her. Maybe I can learn to relax and just be myself when Tohru is around. Maybe I can let my guard down and let her see the real me. I know I am safe in her hands; I want her to feel safe in mine.


End file.
